“I’m in the dead fucking center looking around.”
The past few weeks, while I was in Zurich and since I been home in Los Angeles how I would describe my life lately is a strange sense of calm. A lot of things that would typically get to me doesn’t hit as hard or sting so much. In other words, I don’t lean into the chaos or hyper focus on it too much.
Since my Humboldt trip earlier this year, I suspected I need to get out of city scapes. Be more in-tuned with nature. Being in Zurich while I was mainly in the city the surrounding was filled so much room, beauty, greenery, rivers, lakes etc. I could actually think. For the first time this year I can actually think, second time this year I was truly at peace within myself.
Leading up to this venture, I was disheartened by unfortunate events of losing more love ones to life’s inevitable: death.
Joe Limer's Memorial.
Also the return of past partners made me to start thinking about the concept of moments. However allowing myself to experience “moments” means I would have to let my guard down and accept situations for what they are in present/real time.
I met a young woman shortly after one of my shows in Zurich, we went out for coffee and it turned into a huge conversation about navigating life and the concept of moments for 6 hours looking over a view of Zurich on a bench hilltop. I expressed to her I been trying to write tour blogs, but nothing is coming out. She said, just live, sometimes things aren’t meant to be shared with the world. It’s apart of treasuring and cherishing whats sacred to us. In the heat of an event, something that makes us feel alive, how do you re-create that? There’s no way. Impossible. The people that are here with us, the connections cultivated, conversations held must be held with the upmost respect, and sincere approach. Being present. Active listening is all we can truly give. It makes me sad that I have not done this as much as I should, and learned to develop such a talent.
I been scared. I lived every bit of my life this year in fear. Not a single moment of “alright. I’m walking.” I feel I stumble a lot of the time to get to the next phase. The next door. The next anything. In the midst of all this, one thing no one can say is that I didn’t try and that I didn’t move. I will always move. Broken leg, Swollen foot, I keep going. I completely understand my health is at jeopardy when I embark on such restless, but I dare to dream.
The other day along giving thanks to God, I thanked myself. This year alone- Two tours: One West Coast, One International. Two performance runs. (I literally performed damn near every week this year) Released two EPs. Performances at high profile venues. 9 music videos. Multiple visualizers.
Now everyone is getting a third EP with a new sound. In the midst of grieving.
NEW EP: Unapologetically, Chris Siders EP. Pre-Save here.
Cover by: Dylan James Moore
Production from myself, Nemesyzz Rigby and Zurich's very own, Dylan The Narrative.
A moment I had with a poet during a poetry slam this past weekend, he was telling me “man this is divine. We were supposed to see each other” as spoke about how hard it is dealing with the death of love ones. We were both angry. Sad. Held each other. Cried intensely. I felt seen and heard, I hope he feels the same. Hell, literally 5 hours before that, same day, I was at a friend’s funeral for her father. He passed away while I was in Zurich. I get back from Zurich a close friend of mine who’s been working on the music me experienced a death in his family, and my grandmother caught covid.
Faith has been keeping me grounded. Knowing there is a place somewhere on this planet I don’t have to think too hard and just live. Living is difficult especially when you from America. Speaking to the locals in Zurich, they asked me what was wrong with me after I was constantly looking around for danger. They said, “oh nothing ever happens here. At most maybe the futbol games people get violent, but thats it.”
First couple days of travel was rough. Being away from my mom and my sister. Dad not seeing me turn 30. There was a moment on my birthday, me and my friend Denesha went a cruise and to the Lindt Chocolate Factory. Waiting to board the cruise, I saw a father and his child playing together and laughing. That hurt, but also remember the moments where my pops picked me, my sister and my brother up from school and go to Malibu Castle to play arcade games and mini-golf. After his long shifts at work from 4am-3pm. He made sure to be present.
Things shifted after the first show opening for Westside Boogie. To listen to an artist that gotten me through my homeless days with his third project, Thirst 48 Part II, to opening for him THEN him bringing me out on stage and being in communication with each other currently is the biggest dream come true.
Doing a ton of reflecting in Zurich, I feel I haven’t made proper time to be present in moments, this has caused problems in friendships which since then has healed up. However prior to leaving it didn’t seem things wasn’t going to last much longer with me not cherishing my people. Busy protecting my heart.
I’ve done an interview recently, and the interviewer asked “why people come to you telling you to protect your heart? Have you asked them why they feel the need to express that to you? Ask them that.” My assumption has always been, they see how moving and the waters are going to becoming even more murky as time goes on.
Second week in Zurich, I linked up with a local rap duo, Waking Dreamers. Before meeting both members I had a deep conversation with one of the members, B.O.M. (Bearer Of Masks.) He gave me a tarot reading and that generated a discussion surrounding paths and decisions. It was a five card spread. One in the middle. Two cards on the left. Two cards on the right. The direction represents the path. The right represented love. Left represented career (it was based on the cards drawn.) one card on each side represents the past and the other one the future.
I received a warning to really focus on my future. I’m doing right by sticking to my career. Admittedly at times I fear, I do my people a disservice. It’s a silver lining, because you got people that may mask they like you for a come up on they end. I can definitely tell you several people tried this year. Also when loving someone authentically, sincerely, enjoy it for what it is. I had a moment with someone right before I left and it was the most beautiful thing. Intimacy in the purest form. I gotten an email saying my flight to LA got moved up a day, from that moment I had to buy an emergency flight from Zurich to London that leaves in 5 hours. Met this person at the train station. Held hands for 10 minutes didn’t say a word and we both said its a see you later. Both looked back after I boarded.
While I cried, I felt warm. I felt good. I let my guard down and allowed whatever is outside, in. After close to a month of dating, she is now my partner. This is different. Different is good. Exploration.
Before making this partnership official, I was (still am) in the middle of resolving issues with an old partner. Creating new moments in a different framework. Everything is new. It's weird. It's strange. I feel a lot. I'm uncomfortable, but being uncomfortable strengthens the superpower: learning and unlearning.
On the other hand, career wise, so much is happening. It's hard to keep up but I’m focused. Overbooked. Blessed, and going to finalize tour dates for the upcoming year. Several moves I can’t speak on, however, as I always said next year my life changes.
Forever.
Frequent compliment I get all the time surrounding my art is the authenticity. I feel like you can never lose being yourself. When authenticity meets the unapologetic framework you become unstoppable in the middle of chaos you thrive.
I am currently thriving.
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