The past 18 months been so chaotic to the point I really didn’t recognize how much I ignored.
On the surface, I seen my relationships being ignored, my anger potentially getting to a space thats destructive, hyper-focused or fixated on all the terrible things, not giving much to the victories because I’m quick to jump to the next thing.
But what about the Joy?
Being on “vacation” which is me just dropping everything for a month has made me realize I actually shame my joy. I cringed so hard at the thought of smiling, expressing love in all the ways that may melt my heart. I don’t know why. Working through that I have to take a deep breath and remember that I’m deserving and worthy of this. This is where I tell my homies and fully acknowledge even more I still have a ton of work to do deconstructing my toxic masculinity, immaturity and unlearn timid behaviors. All this was taught without given the proper time to sit with. Being in this calmer state fully embracing my joy being with my mom, supporting my sister, being a healthier space dating showing affection, checking in on my friends more and telling them I love them has effected my mood greatly. My therapist yesterday was even like “you are glowing, like really glowing. This is great to see.”
My songwriting and raps are coming out differently. I’m having fun with the music again and not taking too seriously to where im not letting the songs flow. I hyper-fixate on the message of the song, the flow, the production style, if I have a feature who would be on it, how would they fit, are things im saying too harsh, too light etc. i don’t think many people know how much really goes into a song. Its an whole process to where its amazing to see how some of my favorite artists just cut a verse so easily. For example, on my next project I got an artist on there that i listened to growing up. He killed that shit. Turned it around in a matter of hours, im still here like damn man haha. I got another rap thats big in the city of LA on the project too. He turned that around in a few hours too. Wild. Point is they having fun with it.
This is also a very awkward thing at the same time. There’s been a ton of joy and butterflies i feel inclined to speak about openly and unapologetically however there’s somethings going on that shaken me a little. Doctors found a lump in my sister’s chest. This is the second time it happened. I’m being told it’s not cancer, but the fact this is a repeated pattern scares me. At times before leaving my home I still find mom crying about Dad. I just wish I can do more to comfort her. At times I really want to hear her thoughts and express her feelings. She never does that. Not a day passes by where I don’t think of him. Also, there’s a film project some folks approached me about taking on. This project is requiring me to dig deep in my past for clarity and understanding as to why I made certain decisions or why I felt the way I did. That in itself has been a journey and process I had to do in parts (im still not finished yet on digging.)
Its interesting because I see a common theme amongst my friends. A lot of them are placed in a position of addressing a trauma thats been long ignored for whatever reason. If we take the case of my mother for example without getting deep into it, when my grandfather passed away 3 years ago she had nothing to say. I know he caused a lot of damage to the family. It’s like how do you love the villain of the story? What is the proper way to address something you deliberately ignored but keeps showing up randomly? I have that duality problem at times. Admittedly sometimes I hate people, just like I love people. At the end of the day people are people. Complex beings that deserve care and to be heard.
Scrolling through the photos in my phone I found a status I screenshot from last year.
I written: “how do you protect your peace, when the threat is yourself?”
I developed the idea recently that embracing or thriving in your joy is protecting your peace. Where i’m at now, I just so happen to remove energies and attempting (not fully just yet honestly) embracing joy. The harsh truth is I stop myself. There’s no other forces around me that prevent me from doing what I need to do to, to advance. Things only become impossible, because we tell ourselves it’s impossible. Thats the setup. My thoughts for as long as I can remember is unfortunately the number one source of fear.
Career wise, I secretly always wanted to rap like my friends back in high school. I just believed I couldn’t because I was the nerd that focused on staying out of trouble (even though I stayed in some shit.) Being able to reconfigure my identity in college was the starting point. The understanding I don’t have to continue with the mindset of being less than and leverage my interests. Example, i was super deep into underground rap in high school i became a hip hop journalist writing album reviews for fun. In college that skill helps me mold my identity of being that guy on campus knows everything about hip hop and rap. People would approach me about albums and hold conversations rather than viewing me as the weird kid. Also i gotten my own special column in the college newspaper. Won a couple awards for it.
Outside of college in the real world its kinda a free for all situation as you just need to know where to go. Find your tribe. Your people. These things obviously affected my platonic circle. So many language barriers I have to be mindful of. The type of slang I use, profanity, being “proper”, anything that doesn’t accidentally set anyone off negatively.
An example of this would be, being a community activist and knee deep into rap culture. Of course rap culture has some problematic issues embedded that doesn’t mean the culture needs to be completely removed and nit be used a vehicle for conversation on issues that matter. Something to keep in mind is that, the difference in opinion we hear our favorite artists put forth is merely a reflection, a culmination of things they saw or experienced growing up. N.W.A made fuck the police being survivors of police brutality. The derogatory language used is again a reflection of a lived experience whether they believe it or not. Not condoning this behavior, but just makes sense how things the way they are.
You heal the environment, you heal the people. You have a fucked up environment, you have fucked up people it’s simple.
Anywho, tie it back to the impossible mentality. If you’re used to one thing being a certain way your entire life, it’s hard to believe that there’s something different or more even. In my personal case, it became increasingly difficult to rap for me. A) protecting my image for others on campus being a community activist. B) i always compared myself to my friends and shot myself down. When there was no one around me to compare myself to it gotten easier and I jumped out the window.
When it comes to romance, it’s a battle of allowing myself to feel. As a black man there’s a looming danger getting too close to feelings. The feelings don’t have to be in a romantic realm. Just feeling anything in general. That can get you killed. It’s always psyching myself out before giving myself the chance because I deep down dont want to show i’m feeling something. Feeling something means someone can take that bit of information and manipulate it for their advantage. The first person I was intimate with weaponized my past against me as a way of conquering me as a man. Since then there’s been a hesitation regarding fully speaking up especially when angered. Now im noticing fully expressing my joy as i’m back in the dating world i’m a little scared. Expressing this joy gives access to a place I’m unaware of currently. Being in a calmer head space is uncomfortable, but as I said earlier feels good. I’m used to chaos, but I sure as hell dont want to stay there. I want my joy. This joy feels great. Instead of fighting aggressively for my joy, i’m choosing a different route of just opening my hand. Letting my arms dangle. Take a deep breath and just stand there. For as long as I can before an inevitable occurrence that can change things whether good, bad or neutral.
My focus now is truly living. Take my mom to see more shows of mine I’m performing at. Say I love you to my sister more. Call my brothers more. Not being afraid to think of the joy I had with my Dad. Display the affection and admiration I have for my dating partner unapologetically in a healthy way and smile. Let her know she is special. Remind myself that I am special. Make a mistake or two and laugh about it later. Say I love you to my friends more. Call up and hang out with those I haven’t seen since my Dad passed. Let myself go and cuss out a couple racists (I did it at my job last weekend and that felt great I might add.)
For the longest while I been asked, what makes me happy. I think I just literally written out my answer.
Answers lies in being present. You can’t be present if you don’t feel anything or allow yourself to feel.
Matt Sedillo gave me some game I forgot to put in the Silhouettes Of Scarlet show which is: “keep life as simple as possible.” Grounding myself with the things and people I love first. Anchoring myself so no one or any events have the power to strip that away is the real win. I’m excited for all the great things coming. I’m calm. I’m abundant.
Finally after 18 months, I’m at ease. I’m not battling myself. I’m okay with myself.
Comments