December 5th felt like the finale to a very long drawn out season of a TV show. Some of my friends actually refer to as “The MisAdventures Of Chris Siders” name after the title of my first album.
These last four months were filled with many unexpected challenges on a personal level, and ensuring it doesn’t bleed out in my business dealings or relationships with my friends.
Performing and presenting Silhouettes Of Scarlet in a different framework has actually helped me view my situation with more compassion. In fact, I shared unscripted intimate thoughts in front of this audience of 300-400 people. I said, “Scarlet if you can hear me. I still got love for you.” Does this mean I’m going to go back and try to be friends? No. However, I think i’m in the dead center of the forgiveness process and acknowledging humanity. Also, this role I play in creating this production. It may not translate well that I do this to share a story, and continue the conversation of mental health and grief. All of my music that is available for listening breaches on these topics. None is from a place of hate. Its very tense definitely.
A close friend that saw the show and was telling me “man knowing the intimate details of everything that happened enhanced the show for me even more. I felt the emotions so much more. I would definitely like to see what that process of forgiveness look like. How would you go about it?” I told him whats wild is i'm in the middle of that right now. Secretly, i have a battle inside me now (not intensely) debating whether or not to reach out to the real life Scarlet. However I feel nothing would come of it in the sense of coming to a resolution. Little weird that I hold a small amount of shame performing Silhouettes Of Scarlet.
This doesn’t mean I won’t do more shows, but this does mean, things will shift, and explore themes on the subject that center on moving forward, what making amendments look like etc. of course this will all take time as I am figuring out things on a personal level. Best way to describe how I been going about it is I just been blindly roaming around a dark room searching for a light switch bumping into shit.
Lately, God has given me test after test. When it comes to how I would respond to situations. Under pressure. Early in November faced with a situation of do I let someone back in my life after disrespecting me? How do I vocalize my hurt without hurting? Is that possible? What does staying grounded look like? What does having faith in myself look like? How do you stand tall in morals in the face of confrontation? I kept thinking about old friends I miss dearly. I have a desire to figure out a way to rekindle those connections, but I know God has me on a particular path and what good is me forcing connections where i’m not heard or people not making efforts?
Admittedly I fear reaching out to figure out how to make it through old situations because of the potential of not being heard. The willingness to see my perspective. What i’m trying to understand is that idea coming from a place of selfishness? I may feel I hear my people out correctly, but they feel otherwise and it's my job to understand their perspective. It doesn’t matter what I feel in the moment if someone feel misunderstood or offended etc. Goes back to the humanity piece. Humbling and acknowledging my shortcomings and fault with self. I still have trouble being harsh on myself. Sometimes I wonder if God truly knows my heart.
My therapist yesterday had me draw a silhouette of myself and fill it with personal values. I had to pay attention to where on the silhouette I placed those values. I placed love at the crown of my head. Symbolizing I need to do better thinking about who I allow in my world and utilize discernment. My therapist drew a version of their own and said they placed understanding on my right shoulder blade. I never out right said it but I absolutely hate being misunderstood. It's right there with the biggest pet peeve of people lying to me. I know where that trigger of being misunderstood stems from too. It's from people constantly getting the wrong idea of what I’m about before speaking to me. It sends me in a silent spiral. There’s quite a few times i enter a room and people get scared, gets off put by me being present. i don’t like that feeling. I don’t like being feared or looked at anything thats not human. This is where I feel the projection of Scarlet comes from. Me not feeling human. I feel like I often fail to look at people for who they are. The intent is there the action isn’t always present. The balance with that is also acknowledging my limits of whats acceptable and whats not.
The quest of exploring whats acceptable and whats not i often find myself in a space of being angry. For the past couple weeks, a couple kendrick lamar lines has ringed off in my head from his song, “man at the garden.” One of them being the refrain, “I deserve it all.” But the line being “I burn this bitch down don’t you play with me… im crashing out right now no one is safe with me.” As if the only option to understand self is through destructive matters. The concept of destroy and rebuild. This is where is think language matters. Lets deconstruct. Ehy we have to destroy ourselves per say? We built ourselves through the circumstances we grew with. Certain tools are outdated and must be amended but that comes with analyzing inventory. My OG Patterson taught me that years ago, its time to relearn and reapply. I saw a threads quote recently and someone’s therapist told their client, “i see Kendrick Lamar is your favorite rapper. You want to be like Kendrick from Mr Morale & The Big Steppers, but you should be more like GNX kendrick.” The contrast between the two in these albums, Kendrick is more reflective, somber and at times shaky in understanding his identity in Mr Morale. GNX Kendrick is reflective, loud, brash and claiming whats his unapologetically. Understanding himself fully.
Its a strange thing being in the entertainment business. I strive to hold on to these relationships for dear life while being dragged by my career. That’s the best way I can describe it. I often speak on these insecurities. I feel rest is for the privileged. When you dont have much you cant afford to rest and take something easy. Maybe thats why I romanticize these ideas of interacting or dealing with situations that can potentially be harmful to my being. Its guilt.
I hold people to a standard of honesty and communication however I often don’t hold myself to same standard in different ways. I'll tell the truth and take accountability, but I do often hesitate or paralyze myself our of a fear.
Celebrating this win for the village and the community that put in all this work hasn’t hit yet. Maybe its that mental/emotional block of I can do better in treating people with respect no matter how much I been hurt. We sold over 300- 400 tickets and I feel… i don't know if indifferent is the right word. This is not a hill, this a whole mountain. Learning how to celebrate a win is more difficult than accepting a loss.
Overall at this moment. I am happy, and relived about the reception of the show and can finally rest. I am sad about people I lost this year. I am anxious on what to do with my situation amidst of processing my behaviors.
Evolving is harsh. We are all forced to do it, but we have control and how it morphs and shapes us.
"I see you as a human first, even if you don't understand your worth."
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