One morning when I was 14 I saw one of my older brothers get arrested and thrown in the back of a police truck.
“Do you know why he got arrested?” my Dad asked. “For having a large white rock. Crack.”
Me and Momma Siders
Growing up outside of our garage he pitched to the neighborhood addicts. Our caldesac became a hot spot for a lot of violence randomly activity. Some bloods, crips and other affiliated gang/drug related folks were on the block frequently.
America time and time fails to see the relentless dreamers that we are. Some of us that don’t what it means to have a balanced check book. A bank account thats not in the negatives and not living check to check. If not provided opportunity, we create the opportunity of whats around. Of course the misconception or blatant disrespect from fox news say different. Lazy. Incompetent. How do you destroy a machine from the inside? Rewire the circuits. Form a new route. Another brother of mine, while his hand was in the streets turned to rap. Fucked up as it is, as a kid, my whole thing “man everyone wanna be a rapper.” I grew up a gamer kid. I didn’t give a damn about nothing that wasn’t the new Mario game (I was a nintendo boy lol) Something I didnt understand, everyone just looking for someone to listen. Isn’t this the reason why we as artists do what we do? Literally, anyone to say, “ayo I feel you” or “I have no idea what this is or what it means, but this is something new and something to think about.” Someone dared to dream and died pursuing the dream.
I awoke this morning to the death of an high school friend. I find sudden deaths are more numbing than it is shocking.
My pops passed while I was pursuing a dream.
I had multiple moments with myself this pst weekend. The Silhouettes Of Scarlet cast and crew was invited to a show put on by Grand Performances in Los Angeles. Gave us snacks, drinks, VIP passes, met the performers and everything. It was a Louisiana Jazz performance. What came to mind was “man, Dad would love this.” Everything about the sounds. The stage. The lighting. The vibes. I waited for the chance to achieve a certain level. Honestly, this level to bring my parents to a performance of mine. There’s a potential to perform at one of these events. I actually did end up bringing my mom to a huge performance at Tuesday Night Cafe in May. Made it a dedication show to her and pops. Felt good. Taking it in, just being there was unreal. Like I achieved a goal and something i wanted to do in awhile: put myself and my people in position.
Back stage at Grand Performances.
I do acknowledge of course not everyone can go. No matter how much you love, give an olive branch etc. I hate bad blood. Truthfully, I do. I won’t hesitate to walk away though. I grew up fighting which has evolved into learning how effectively communicate. Even with these lessons, I do harden myself. No one knows I actually lost a few friends in the making of this show. I understand thats what it is. Can’t lie, I have to say the distance has been peaceful. Someone told me awhile back, the people we encounter are just mirrors of ourselves. Those mirrors can reflect the good and bad sides of ourselves. If we are attempting to purge the toxic sides of ourselves the requirement is remove self from those that aren’t in alignment, which is fine and normal. Doesn’t necessarily mean anyone is mean or a horrible person. It just means people out grow each other. Thankful that management is understanding of my position where I’m in need of a break. We officially canceled my tour and I won’t be doing anything for the reminder of 2024 that does not involve Silhouettes Of Scarlet.
These days I play with the thought of potentially really disappearing in the context of going off the grid. For no one to know where I am or how to contact me. While I have a huge love for community, at times I feel people get attached to me for the wrong reasons. Mainly security. A security for success or emotional. The feeling of being compromised is constant. That hardens me. Yesterday I watch a few shows in the Hollywood Fringe circuit. First show was “Baby Rock” a bi-lingual childrens musical. I had a great time watching the actors inner children roam freely on stage. It reminded me of something someone told me recently that I need to be more “soft.” Where I come from the idea of soft is often defined as someone thats weak. Useless. In my context I define it as emotional, but not in a bad way. Just vulnerable. In this case of being soft, its about grace. Flowing. Obtaining a sense of calmness and maintaining it. My world is chaotic. For as long as I can remember in recent memory there’s been probably one glimmer of calmness. That doesn’t mean everything is just dark everyday. Its just I move. There’s no stopping me unless God tells me to and to most a lot of people don’t feel God’s presence so who are they to tell me whats right for me?
This experience with being a lead director, writer, producer and actor is that I don’t really grieve like that. I have to go back to square one and understand whats effective for me instead prescribing to a one size fits all solution. The heartbreaks along the way since January. Pretty wild for my second time leaving the country, to be broken up in a foreign country. I remember-being so upset I walked in the woods by myself. Complete darkness. Only light was from my phone that was dying trying to get to the promoters house and the night sky. There were gunshots nearby from locals doing target practice (I later found out everyone in Zurich has a gun, but doesn’t use it anyone.) my uncle BoBo passing. My cousin’s miscarriage, this morning an old high school friend, Joseph Fiddmont and I lost a best friend. Me and Joe made sone music during my humble beginnings in high school. We fell off in terms of communication. Lost does something to you.
Father’s Day was numbing. I know my mom was hurting watching action movies. She doesn’t watch action movies on her own. Its my Dad that a big fan of that. Her going to see Bad Boys alone, hurt. My sister picking up a shift at work hurt. I decided to go support friends, and ended up numb. It was heartwarming to see Christopher Torres show about the relationship between him and his pops. After everything that occurred and not allowing that to get in the way of developing a relationship is something to behold and admire. Back in 2020 and 2021, the heights of the pandemic, when part of me felt my dad was on his last legs, I was holding grudges. There were so many times we went weeks without speaking because we clashed over something. That was the same shit with me and my brother Evan when we didnt speak for 8 years due to a grudge and he passed away. Same brother that wanted to be a rapper.
Defining worth. Defining self. Still processing Italome’s show, Mermaid, about grief. The different complexities in which you can experience it. Not allowing it to define our human experience. Continuing to emerge, but within our own time.
The first performance for Silhouettes Of Scarlet went good. There were technical difficulties. Despite difficulties, the audience said the show was amazing and the performances shine through. I took more personal, because this is my father we talking about. The release I was searching for within myself didnt come yet. Making the comment on success of the show and it being sold out on its first run got misunderstood. I don’t place my release of emotions within how successful something gets. Its all about do I feel relieve? Did the message get across? Does incite people to wonder to understand? This cast has instilled their trust in me to lead knowing the circumstances of what i can provide now. Whats crazy is, being behind stage at Grand Performances. They believe in us so much it’s mind blowing. Being told this is going to be us in a few months again, just taking it all in… wild. Took it all in.
Years ago knew Summer 2024 was going to be the one. Trusting and believing in yourself and your path opens many doors.
I’m excited as to whats to come.
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