Our bodies are beings that absorb energy from external forces. The outside. Its a home. Aside from physical consumption of food, there’s consumption regarding media, environment, people we’re around etc. these things influence us, shape us. In addition to how we decide to respond to a situation.
More often than not, I hear from close peers of mine, that theres no wrong way of approaching a situation as the emotion calls for you to release the tension in your body. For example, if you’re angry at someone, express the disdain, but obviously not in a destructive way. If you need to cry, cry. Scream.
Lately, I got some news that paralyzed me a bit. At random my entire body would get spasms, I hyperventilate and want to cry intensely. I just don’t bring myself to do it. I deliberately stop myself. I think its because I mentally determined things I been stressed out about are longer deemed “note worthy” for my tears or because others deem its not worthy to worry about. I feel like my environment and the people around me do not fully allow themselves to hold space for conversation and in return I do the same. Nowadays its harder for me to write a song. Its been a long autumn season with business navigation, romantic/friend break ups, financial stability, and questioning more whos around me. While I have no problem speaking my mind, at times I shy away from it, because I want no one to get hurt and that comes at the cost of me getting hurt.
Someone I dated over the summer (things ended end of September) decided to send a voicemail after a month of not speaking. In that it was said “I just wanted to contribute that the world is not out to get you. Not every woman wants to hurt you.” Never deliberately stated these words, but the influences of my environment, the experiences I had say otherwise. I have a right to feel this way. Do I believe this currently? No. Not at all. My choice to respond or leave it alone lie on the tightrope of emotion. Do I keep how this message upset me inside? Or do I respectfully state how and why I was pissed? The energy stored was aggravated and wanted to be released. I decided to respond. The point of sharing this is to feel. Someone telling me or attempting to reassure me on something I didn’t ask reassurance on. I acknowledged I was pissed, but didn’t feel it in my body. Theres a numbness going on I’m not aware of.
I had a reiki session a couple days ago. Quite a few things stood out to me in session. Learning to actually utilize my intuition in my body. The idea of love and death is my motivational factor in how I navigate my work ethic. However, I do not fear going to war.
Initially the idea of war one of the things struck me the most. I crown myself as someone that hates war. Hates violence. Also the factor of my numbness, if I cant feel and walking into a space of conflict what does that say? Heartless? in-empathic? When did I become this? I don’t recognize myself. I’m scared of saying this out loud because i don’t know if someone wants to weaponize my hurt for manipulation. I deserve validation of my emotions. I seek it through my writing. Through performance just getting that energy out. A bit of imposter syndrome going on.
Since this reiki session I’m trying to chisel at my self-validation. Knowing all the things I went through. It seems as if sometimes i speak of these wild ass stories of street fights, venturing a pitch black forest in Switzerland because of fearing an partner may want to hurt me, the paranoia, all these things fly over everyone’s head or just don’t care. I guess it maybe a thing of “well no one cares so why should i?” That why is because I’m affected by it.
I was recently recommended to go to Domestic Violence group therapy. No lie in my head initial thought was “Nigga I don’t need this. I never experienced that.” These body spasms I been having almost everyday I can’t explain is actually related to that. My fear of speaking up is related to that. Several, several years ago. A build up. What was seen was the hand of a woman grabbing my solar plexus and pulling it back to keep me in the past. I don’t think the homies don’t understand the full extent of being abused by the hands of a woman. Sexual abuse, because men “want it.” Or want to be hyper sexualize.
Returning to the idea of love and death being a factor, my granny who passed away three years ago a day after my birthday paid me a visit during the session. The practitioner said she gave me a huge hug and wanted me to know how much she loved me. Deep down several years even when she was alive I felt so much guilt of not making time to visit when I could. The same guilt that plagues my mind when I think about Dad. I felt I could’ve spent more time knowing that he was in his last days. His health was poor for a couple years. Randomly collapsing in the middle of the drive way. Every-time he takes a shower someone would have to listen out for him to make sure he makes it out safe and not fall. Helping him put clothes on. He asked me to help with his physical health regarding weight. At the time I just lost the 160 pounds, and he was inspired. Being caught up in my own world I just didn’t. Again, chasing this so long people around me are dying. It feels so disrespectful to stop. I feel annoyed and aggravated by peers that tell me to chill out when it feels like I don’t have that privilege to stop. I often get scared that someone else leaves before I get to a comfortable place to share my art and story to them. Its so wild because I often preach about writing the story and sharing it through different mediums before its “too late” because why wait?
I realize the most controversial acts in life start with the story. Saying something as it relates to your truth. Its always someone that wants to shut you down, discredit the experience, or even take the story and gain notoriety off of what you putting out there for the work to consume and claim as their own. It often leads to war. Maybe thats another reason why I dont fear war. Our stories are invaluable. I’ll be damned if anyone tries to control my story. I am very aware of who is trying to shift my story nowadays.
In this same reiki session we talked about my jaw. The being related to aggressive emotions and what’s unsaid. It tenses up whenever i’m angry. About 3-4 times this year I dislocated my jaw. All was around the times of being in a high intense situations. The body knows what I need to do, but something stops me. It’s an unfortunate circumstance, but I need to let people go. In the sense of letting go their emotions. Also quite literally letting them go. As I’m writing this just caught myself censoring a thought. I knoe its not me fully letting crrtain people that used to be close me move on. I’m grappling with that change.
I cannot allow myself to be gaslit or gaslight myself due to the tears of another person. In this upcoming iteration of Silhouettes Of Scarlet I written a alter ego character of mine in the script who is a straight up asshole to people. The only pro to his character is he’s confident and sure of himself and his place in the world in comparison to James aka LoverBoy James which is the main character of the show is based off of, who is unsure of his place in the eyes of people around him. Chris Siders is a combination of both. I am confident, but I have my moments of insecurity not knowing where I fit in all this. However, I don’t allow myself to become an asshole especially when needed.
My version of this shockingly is keeping people at bay. Opening up feels like pulling teeth. I hate it nowadays. I feel a bit uncomfortable. I feel like I have a disdain for people currently. Certain people if I’m being honest, just looking at them, I just want to punch them in the face. Just how I feel at this present moment. Typically I would censor that kind of a thought like “I shouldn’t be thinking like that” or say it out loud because the angry black man stereotype or who may think what. At the end of the day, sometimes emotions are just like thoughts that must be allowed to past through. Sometimes processed. Sometimes sit with. I am one of those people that allow the emotions a 3 month vacation with room and board for free.
This is all a journey of getting back to a place where I feel like I’m at home within my body. It feels like there’s ghosts roaming inside that shouldn’t be there. Kicking them out is a bitch and a half.
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