Secretly I blame myself for a lot of things. Sometimes I blame myself for my family dynamic. This feeling where my community is fractured.
I have such a strong yearning for ease. Now that I feel I’m in such a space i’m taking inventory as to what comes with being in a state of ease. That means letting go of ideologies, habits, people, places. Something I always struggled with is letting people go that either aren’t good for me or the relationship/connection just ran iys course. Literally Saturday morning I got a text from an old friend saying, “hi is this still Chris Siders’ number? If so I would like to speak to him its _________.” She throughout the years has been an abusive friend. Literally has always talked shit behind my back or just straight up disrespect me to my face because I identify as a man. I always felt I should just take it under the chin no matter what’s being thrown at me. When it comes to asking questions or having a opinion that doesn’t align exactly to the T I was met with aggression. Last year, when I got the call to open for Westside Boogie in Switzerland they was the first person I thought about, because when we was close we talked about his work and listen to him a lot. Sharing that news became, “you just wanted to rub that in my face. Since when I became the highlight reel for Chris Siders’ life?” When i literally just had the worst year with my dad passing away.
Tensions were high because of a surgery procedure that was had that I couldn’t recall us talking about that nearly taken their life. I didn’t know that until it was brought up. I was told I should “disappear” and off myself. Never not once I came at anyone with that sort of aggression. I have a deep seeded insecurity that people look at me as something to conquer. Like I’m a beast. A man that needs to be emasculated publicly or put down in the harshest way possible. It’s hard because what you going to do about it? I told my dating partner last month, my perfectionism stems from a place of not being the villain. I’m tired of that story. Done a lot of stupid shit, but I’m also aware of the good I’ve done. It has been expressed a lot. Naturally as humans out of the hundreds of great things we done its that one negative thing that bugs us.
I don’t want none of these problems with anyone anymore. I’m in a different head space where I can’t hold onto it. I’m not in survival mode anymore. However, the fucked up thing is, I’m still there. These new bright feelings and emotions I been receiving lately is now like I have to defend it til my last breath. No one can breach that boundary of fucking up my joy. I’m scared of it being shattered. So now, i’m like damn I can’t be cool with certain people because I got to protect myself. I know or at least feel where certain things will lead if I allow energies in my sphere knowing it won’t mesh.
When it came to the conflict with my friend I immediately and politely denied their request to speak to me and stood still in my stance to maintain distance. I blocked them. I felt hurt admittedly. It’s odd though. Why am I feeling hurt over someone that told me I should disappear? Telling me I shouldn’t be alive.
Hell, as I write this a different conflict just came about with another friend. Recently there was a family reunion I wasn’t invited to.
My nature has never been one to react from a space of being loud about it. Certainly I can definitely say the wrong thing without intending to which happens.
New EP: “Where Did It All Go Wrong?” (SIDE A)
out now: https://linktr.ee/ChrisSiders
My emotional intensity makes me feel a bit isolated or alienated at times. When I mean intensity I mean my capacity to go deep. I like going deep with people. I can’t recall a time where someone worn me out about something they were talking about. My craving for understanding how we are as humans is a flaw of mine. I have to understand not everyone is like this and that boundary has to be respected. I then question, what does this say about me exactly? If I go have these conversations and I don’t have a limit for it. I be thinking something is wrong with me at times. Something to think about. However going deep regarding something I feel shouldn’t be associated with darkness. Talking about something moving isn’t always dark.
Along with being misunderstood, being a burden is one of my greatest fears. I have associated being a burden with being a villain.
I can only speculate, due to my environment. To feel has been considered weak. To question is blasphemous. Put both of those things together you are an outlier. I know i’m different. I’m okay with it for the most part. Just wish my environment can be a little more welcoming about it, just like I would be welcoming to opposite end of that. That’s what I find attractive in the people i’m seeing. Their welcoming, and the same time the capacity of balancing. Enjoying life. I literally don’t have to think around them. Shit, i don’t want to think ALL the time contrary to popular belief, despite my hunger to be better.
It’s weird to know and understand there’s no ceiling to it. Like working up the latter at your job, it’s always something bigger and better. When will the satisfaction hit? When will I hit that peak of “hey I’m at a good spot to where I don’t have intensity think about myself and how i interact with the world around me?”
My harden attitude comes from not wanting to hurt when its the same thing that makes things tense. The catch 22 being soft can be perceived as carelessness. Being flat-out careless is not me.
Its tough. My work as an artist requires me to dig, but its kinda like don’t dig too deep and drive everyone away. My work allows me to explore, but at what cost? I remember the reception to my first album was that its too dark. It being an album about exploring trauma and how it shapes us in several ways it has moments. Both light and dark. I used to be like why is everyone afraid of going there with emotions? Til I figured out myself, I haven’t realistically gone deep enough. Constructing this new script for Silhouettes Of Scarlet with the team requires me to talk and question things I am scared to be open about. I feel a bit of shame exploring it. Maybe one or two people know what I’m referring regarding some of these stories or my reckless behaviors that put me in danger once upon a time. A lot of internal digging for more whys and share more stories. I’m not excited about that. I’m finally in a great place in life and you mean to tell me to re-work/edit I gotta think back and re-live a tumultuous time?
Chris Siders & The SOS Orchestra
Live @ The Mint 9/7/2024
Several years ago, with my desire to be soft I believed I could achieve that through taking drugs or alcohol. I never done it, but thats where the temptation still lays. I get jealous of how sometimes people can just be a softer version of themselves. I want to do that. A comment I get often is that the first time they seen a man cry or expressed sadness has been through me. However softness comes in many forms. The softness I desire is not being on guard all the time. Be more open with my cringe. For example, one of my dating partners when I took her out on our first date it was a Cecila Cruz tribute and they had salsa dancing. I had Kyle teaching and practicing salsa moves with me beforehand so I don’t look crazy. During the date, I was like let’s dance, and she was hella nervous because she didnt know how to salsa dance. We were super off beat. I have no problem trying things and failing at them. Its more so that joy that came with that. Allowing this feeling to override if that makes sense. Something so silly and laughing at myself. Don’t take life so seriously. Her relationship with God. Her ambition. The ability to remind herself, standing firm in that and navigating joy are things that I find attractive. Balancing is where I fall short sometimes.
My EP, Where Did It All Go Wrong (SIDE A & B) (SIDE B isnt available yet) explores my duality. Side A is about giving into feelings. The fear of doing so based on past experiences. The intro is a cover of a singers unlimited song of the same title. I got P.L. Davis to cover it. That fight, flight or freeze leads into “Can We Go Far?” I wrote this for the woman i’m dating. How I approached initially was I made this out of love and admiration which is true but not the full story. I like her. I want to court. I want to be with her. I dare to show affection. The day I stop, is the day i’m no longer me. Its just how I am. However, i just don’t want my affection to get mishandled or mistaken for something else. Getting lost and wrapped up in feelings is not always a bad thing. Towards the final bridge of the song I said “oh no, oh no, Here we go again/spiral, spiral, here we go again.” That fear of unknown, allowing feelings to take over.
The skit “Sincerely, Olivesworth” is a self-analyzing take. The character Olivesworth is a demon that skews reality. In my case acts as a sleep paralysis demon (listen to 2AM In Zurich) A representation of anxiety. I can’t give away what he meant by his “mausoleum” and the ghosts that occupy it yet, but he’s there shaming my feelings. I attempt to let out those feelings on the song “SCARLET.” I do miss my friend. This whole narrative of I have hate is false. Definitely upset with a lot of things where again I ultimately have to protect myself. It’s difficult. Its necessary. Then finally when those feelings come out, “The Release Pt.I” comes into play. A ton of aggression and anger because I repressed it for way too long. SIDE B is hardening myself, but not being myself through twerk and more pop songs. The other-side of that duality of asking myself what if I don’t give into feelings? What would it look like? How would I be as a person? Not specifically regarding my current situation, but just in general if I wasn’t in-tuned with exploring feelings.
Every part of our human experience is valid. Oddly enough, just experienced something the other day reconnecting with someone from my past. They struggle with feelings and fear that someone may weaponize. The feelings of feeling; an odyssey in itself. A bit heartbroken with the little I know of her story. I’m no hero and no villain either, but my compulsions to show there’s light on this planet wasn’t enough for her to not give up on life. The woman I once knew just not there anymore or maybe I just wasn’t paying attention enough.
I watched Los Angeles devour souls often. The burnout of the grind. Losing yourself in someone. Dreams of fame and fortune. Beef with people you came up with. Beef with people thats still around. Seeing that is bringing tears to my eyes now. Nothing I can do about it. Maybe a closer examination of it would be, my own insecurities of not being enough. Nowadays I’m insecure of being reduced to a sex object opposed to being a being that can be love well-rounded.
Now, currently, I acknowledge I get a little defensive or protective of my love ones entering in these spaces when actively pursuing dreams. I lost myself in so many ways and attempt to warn my people not to get lost in ego. The most important thing we have is each other. We can’t be stopped as a unit because at that point we control the narrative. We trail-blaze and establish the legacy. As this beautiful human being was speaking, I reflected on how I relate to people or in other words attract that energy in my sphere.
Last year, no secret I was cynical. My early years as a teenager and adult I was cynical. Quick to denounce God and wasnt until God grabbed my soul yanked it out and put it back in I understood the assignment. This heavy sadness. In meeting with this young woman again is probably a reflection of my inner child re-living, remembering trauma. Being once someone that didn’t feel worthy enough. It creeps back up subtly, unexpectedly.
There’s an infamous line Jay Z rapped once upon a time: “You die as the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the Villain.” Part of me my insecurities of being the reason why some the communities are fractured or I’m just feeling a bit disconnected is because I became that villain or just tired of being that person. I wanna be helped at times. I shut up because me asking for help turns into “you’re always intense” or “too negative” when I have the capacity to be attentive to all the shit others go through? I get it. Everyone is at different levels and I cant expect everyone to be where im at. Also to understand where I’m at is not greater than the standing of others. It’s just a position. Accountability lesson for me is to set boundaries. Even when at a good spot. The “golden child” my family proclaimed me to be because I didn’t get involved with drugs, gang banging and the first graduate high school on time out of the men in my generation. Pressures of being “the one” pushing so hard with this drive. With my pillars of being. I’ve gone so hard with my craft because I wanted my Dad to see his baby boy shine. Like this is YOUR son. YOU did this. Be proud of your creation.
I think my spirit is kinda just like…enough. Please. No more perfections. Embrace my human. My cringe. It hurts that my own people is in a space of questioning my motives. A motive I been anointed to do which is, bring people with me and together is something I started long before I became a rapper, an activist, a poet. A little weary.
What I’m attempting to put into practice is the idea of showing more compassion for my past. Like yeah I was there, I made it out, I’m better now and this is how. The what, the when, the who and the why don’t mean shit. It’s about the current. Something that resonated deeply: the concept of being. Just be. We run around all day, getting to the next day. When’s the last time you actually stopped to just be human. Not to impress no one. Not rushing to pay a bill. To see the next person. Record the next song etc. we have days where we deserve to just be. I desire to reach a peak of being. I want my people to reach the most positive form of being. Recent friendships that died out, i hope they can find a space where they can be.
As I move along my days now, I speak life into what moves me. Every morning. Try not to get caught up in the questioning and just experience. I reconnected with my youngin’ and he looks up to me like a big brother. He was like man I see you out and you’re just so free. I wish I can be like that. Be watched so closely like that, its another motivational factor of treading carefully and setting a great example. Like it or not we all influencing someone and majority of the time dont even know it. Accountability in how we move. We receive love. Give love. Being vocal in what stand on and wont fall for is all paramount.
Don’t allow this world to separate you from yourself and honor everything about you.
Sometimes just feel like life is all a battle of fighting for people, things to stay around and cultivate. When all that shit is out of your control. What exactly do you do?
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